yawn.

Okay next month we will be getting internets at the house an it shouldn't be so long between posts. :P It's a boy! HUGS to all! Hope you had a great holiday season!

hello world..

guess what?

13WK 6DAYS

yawn.

still no internets... grrr

boo

I am still here.... just have no internets...

hello

still breathing!

......

I am taking a break from the internet for a while.... not sure how long yet.


my Grandma Anne died yesterday....
the toughest lady I have ever known.

everything...

is looking fabulous! I may be able to get a job where I don't have to change a thing about myself which would be great.... an I would be oh so happy. An I enjoy the enviroment. Then I can move my Shirley an Mena down here soon ... since i have the down payment for the house/ apartment right now...yeah! :P

only...

four more days until Pat gets here...oh lord....I am really leaving. I am really getting out of here. An I am really starting over. This time all by myself. If I find someone ...next time they will have to work with what I have. An deal with MY issues. ALL OF THEM. Whither they want to or not. If they love me they will....if they don't , they wont. That's how it works. Sigh. I just don't know how ; or why no one seems to want me, when I know nothing is wrong with me. An I know I am beautiful. Sigh.

I am...

getting so much better at letting stuff roll off my back. I don't know how. But, not as much has seemed to phase me lately. Not even the big stuff. I look for a solution first before I freak. I just don't seem to get that adrenaline rush like I used to. Maybe it's just shock. Or maybe I am a sufferer of that longed after disease "Ijustdon'tgiveafuckanymore". I think that could be it.
The more I think about it. Yup. I have the bills figured out. My kids will be taken care of. As long as I can find a job I will be kosher, an will be able to get out of my parents house in less than 3 months. I won't ever have to talk to John again. Child support is coming in the way it is supposed to. The bill split will be coming in the way it's supposed to. M an JS will be paying me soon. So money while somewhat important will be taken care of.
Hoping that a volunteer will step forward for my heart soon. But, doubtful, very flipping doubtful. At least I can take a deep breath an step living a little better now that the main stress is gone. And feel beautiful again. Because I am. I AM.

Yeah!

Well today was my parents 42nd wedding anniversary! I am so happy for them! They STILL love each other. I can only hope that I can find that some day. I will just stop looking :P. AN to all my HAPPILY married friends...I HOPE THIS FOR YOU!!!

sigh

been staying as far from the house as I can get..... an not spend money. I hate it when he's around. Right now he's not an it makes me feel much better. But, the fact that I can't stay in my home because he's a jerk. It drives me nuts.....that I have to take my kids away from here so they don't have to take the stress of being around him.

sigh

back to working on myself physically. Training makes me feel good.

wooohoooo

Went out wit friends an had sushi for the first time in 6 months. Feel great. Got 2 boxes done today so far...dishes....laundry as begun! Kadis clothes are all in my room cuz I don't want anymore cut up. Hoping to go over to said friends for a little while an chill. Squee! Taking some yarn with me so I can finish some stuff BEFORE I go. So tired tough..... probably because I have been going 300 miles an hour for two days.....

also got some bills paid....turned in a BUNCH of stuff. Like insight junk an direct tv crap..... so thats all done...... yippie! Hopefully will have the direct tv paid off by next month....the insight definitely will be....

An I am feeling more myself....my air isn't black anymore....it's pink an blue again...feel much better....now it just needs to grow! lol

man

ok this is the list from yesterday....

do one load of laundry somewhere.
clean the floor in the dining room.
do more dishes.
finish the scarf.
an pack two more boxes.
.....

I got the floor done
dishes
an one box....

thats close right?

......

and to add a little more crap to the pot I have to smack the "H" to get it to work!!!!
GRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!

sigh

sorting out crap... Almost done. Cleaning house...not nearly done. Stressed out to the point where I barf EVERY time he comes over. I don't yell...an I try to stay calm. He doesn't seem to care about it...or he tells our friends he care, an he does it anyway. 37 lbs so far in less than 3 weeks, it's not healthy. I know it's not, but there is nothing I can do about it.

Gonna to start listing what I do every day......so I don't think I am not doing enough.

So far it's 9:45 an I have......
made my bed.
fixed my sink, it drains again.
copied 25 more cds.
fed Kadi.
spoke to Anna about the trip.

-----

an today I must,
do one load of laundry somewhere.
clean the floor in the dining room.
do more dishes.
finish the scarf.
an pack two more boxes.



an if he comes over send him out on his ear....be the bitch I KNOW I can be. lol

is it....

really necessary to rub it in my face that you don't need me like you said you did? You have blocked me on everything an lied to my face about it. You are still telling lies to me, an everyone else. Why... it isnt necessary....I dont give a crap what you are doing anymore. Remember..honesty. Crap man. Have fun....I guess.

yay!

I cant put my 11's back on WOOT!

Coming around....

acceptance is a wonderful thing. It makes you heal. An I understand now, I trust to much to other people. To get my heart you need to earn it. My girls are the most important thing to me. The next man that comes in my life will understand that they are here. They don't go away...an if they can't understand that fact...they can keep going. An NOT look back. I am not gonna do this again. It is now about me an them. If anyone wants to come along, they better hang on for the ride.

again....

here I go the healing process begins once more. As I pack the house up an throw away the small life he an I shared. He doesn't want any reminders, an I don't think I can deal with them. I had trouble driving by where we were married at last night. An as it all falls back to were it goes.....I may still my heart away quickly an with great vigor. But, my hand is another matter entirely.

ok...

the car is now spotless on the inside. Hoping to get more sorting done today. Maybe go to the good will tomorrow. Been unable to do laundry, cause the girl I sold the washer an dryer to doesn't get up until like 10 AM. An I don't like doing laundry all night long thank you... Must also go through the craft closet....decide which projects are worth it....an which are gonna get scrapped. An then give away all my extra yarn to my friend....sigh.

Oh mi Goodness!

375 books to library...6 trash bags FULL of clothes to the goodwill.... 3 rugs gone....4 shelves....a desk, an 2 dressers...the little tv upstairs....an his crap is everywhere...I am just kinda stacking it, don't know what else to do... Oh yeah an two huge trash cans full an I need more room! Thank goodness that trash day is tomorrow!

all this stuff all over again ...

I have to sort crap out all over again. An it looks like I am gonna have to be a bitch for my kids sake. I can't stand this. I apparently didn't know him at all. He went an bought a brand new truck with money no one had! WTF! I am having small issues right now. I have no clue what is going on anymore. An I don't think I want to know. I am at the point where if he wants to toss all of the life we were creating out the window that's fine. But an explanation , besides I just don't wanna be married anymore would be frigging nice. Oh an he needs to come an sort out his stuff....

lol

Gotta love stress! Down 28lbs in 3 days!!

well umm..yeah...

don't ask what happened cus I don't know...John is leaving me....

sigh

what do you want me to do? seriously...

Just knowing...

That I have friends...buried in yarn, an clothes....that are also sipping coffee right now helps alot.... miss you...

ugh........

just one of those days...owowow...

SQUEE!

We had a great family day. A nice lunch with all of us. An I found out that he got us a babysitter for tonight an we are going out to dinner ALONE!!! Blissfully alone! :P

yea for tax refunds!

paying bills! Yeah!

lotsa...

laundry. Dishes. An unpacking. We will be going on a mini vacation .....hopefully it will smooth things out. An we will feel better.

................

My whole body hurts. I just need a break....John gets home early today. I will take a nap then. There is 7 inches of snow on the ground. It doesn't seem to be stopping. Working on afghans an scarves right now. Should have Kadi's 2nd dress done soon. Yeah!

Settleing in...

all over again...... unpacking boxes.....

An today...

I watched lots an lots of movies. Did lots an lots of laundry, lots an lots of dishes. An put 5 inches on Johns scarf. THEN helped Anna with a project. Yippie for me! My stomach is feeling better now. Finally.

OW!

owowowowow!

here's ...

to hoping. I am not allowed to go into detail.. Just send vibes/ pray what ever you do.... for the girls... an for the police/ CID ok. Thanks guys. hugs.

tears....

an sadness...

as we put things back together....

everything fell apart there for a little bit. But, we have all the pieces already. So now the girls can begin to heal. The fact that they have to upsets me the most.

An here we go....

suffice it to say... hard times are a'coming. No it isn't finacial. I just ask for good vibes/ prayers/ thoughts what ever it is you believe in for my girls. Dave left a mess. I am nto going into it here. Call me if you have my number. Message me if you want. It is not good......

An THIS move...

is almost over.....
we are once again moving....
after that 3 week long vacation over Christmas...*phew*
but we are only moving 46 miles this time. On to post. Hopefully our last move until 2011. We will see.