only...

four more days until Pat gets here...oh lord....I am really leaving. I am really getting out of here. An I am really starting over. This time all by myself. If I find someone ...next time they will have to work with what I have. An deal with MY issues. ALL OF THEM. Whither they want to or not. If they love me they will....if they don't , they wont. That's how it works. Sigh. I just don't know how ; or why no one seems to want me, when I know nothing is wrong with me. An I know I am beautiful. Sigh.

I am...

getting so much better at letting stuff roll off my back. I don't know how. But, not as much has seemed to phase me lately. Not even the big stuff. I look for a solution first before I freak. I just don't seem to get that adrenaline rush like I used to. Maybe it's just shock. Or maybe I am a sufferer of that longed after disease "Ijustdon'tgiveafuckanymore". I think that could be it.
The more I think about it. Yup. I have the bills figured out. My kids will be taken care of. As long as I can find a job I will be kosher, an will be able to get out of my parents house in less than 3 months. I won't ever have to talk to John again. Child support is coming in the way it is supposed to. The bill split will be coming in the way it's supposed to. M an JS will be paying me soon. So money while somewhat important will be taken care of.
Hoping that a volunteer will step forward for my heart soon. But, doubtful, very flipping doubtful. At least I can take a deep breath an step living a little better now that the main stress is gone. And feel beautiful again. Because I am. I AM.

Yeah!

Well today was my parents 42nd wedding anniversary! I am so happy for them! They STILL love each other. I can only hope that I can find that some day. I will just stop looking :P. AN to all my HAPPILY married friends...I HOPE THIS FOR YOU!!!

sigh

been staying as far from the house as I can get..... an not spend money. I hate it when he's around. Right now he's not an it makes me feel much better. But, the fact that I can't stay in my home because he's a jerk. It drives me nuts.....that I have to take my kids away from here so they don't have to take the stress of being around him.

sigh

back to working on myself physically. Training makes me feel good.

wooohoooo

Went out wit friends an had sushi for the first time in 6 months. Feel great. Got 2 boxes done today so far...dishes....laundry as begun! Kadis clothes are all in my room cuz I don't want anymore cut up. Hoping to go over to said friends for a little while an chill. Squee! Taking some yarn with me so I can finish some stuff BEFORE I go. So tired tough..... probably because I have been going 300 miles an hour for two days.....

also got some bills paid....turned in a BUNCH of stuff. Like insight junk an direct tv crap..... so thats all done...... yippie! Hopefully will have the direct tv paid off by next month....the insight definitely will be....

An I am feeling more myself....my air isn't black anymore....it's pink an blue again...feel much better....now it just needs to grow! lol

man

ok this is the list from yesterday....

do one load of laundry somewhere.
clean the floor in the dining room.
do more dishes.
finish the scarf.
an pack two more boxes.
.....

I got the floor done
dishes
an one box....

thats close right?

......

and to add a little more crap to the pot I have to smack the "H" to get it to work!!!!
GRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!

sigh

sorting out crap... Almost done. Cleaning house...not nearly done. Stressed out to the point where I barf EVERY time he comes over. I don't yell...an I try to stay calm. He doesn't seem to care about it...or he tells our friends he care, an he does it anyway. 37 lbs so far in less than 3 weeks, it's not healthy. I know it's not, but there is nothing I can do about it.

Gonna to start listing what I do every day......so I don't think I am not doing enough.

So far it's 9:45 an I have......
made my bed.
fixed my sink, it drains again.
copied 25 more cds.
fed Kadi.
spoke to Anna about the trip.

-----

an today I must,
do one load of laundry somewhere.
clean the floor in the dining room.
do more dishes.
finish the scarf.
an pack two more boxes.



an if he comes over send him out on his ear....be the bitch I KNOW I can be. lol