yawn...

anybody wanna come an clean with me?

so over it...

I was so mad last night I could spit nails... I am not anymore. Just can't understand where the word 'recently ' came from. An if all that sparked the blow was between your husband an mine...then lets back up... it's between them not us. fuck, sis.

and as always!

everything I am doing is boring to everyone else :P

Ooops! Almost forgot!

SHE'S TEN!!!!

mother of all eww...

the girls brought home head lice from school... really.. its only 3 days in... I chopped off everyone's hair since we are all coated like wolves.....

yup

This would be great

and!

She will be 10! On the the 8th!!!

So tired...

I wish money grew on trees..... I wish my exhusband would just...grrr.. no I shouldn't type that, I will go to therapy for that out loud thought. I want his medical board to be done already. I am sick of being in limbo. I wish people would DO what they say they are going to do. Not just the promise of making up for things. Sigh...

have you ever..

just got tired of pleasing everyone but yourself... yea I think I am having one of those moments... right...now...

as the purge goes on..

Still pulling crap from my house.... still going through all this crap... nothing seems to be getting done even though I keep pulling stuff out... ugh. well here we go again. Over the 4th we were in Mich for two weeks. It was fun. This weekend J sprung a last minute trip for Anna on me , to a horse ranch for her birthday. Already paid for. I couldn't say no. It's what she asked for. I already had a day camp for Kadi set up. An Seamus had an appt on Friday, so I had to stay here.
:/ So the second half of the Mich trip he had to come home early for work. An now this weekend he is in Illinois. I have no idea how to feel about this. But we have been separated * mostly by his design* for almost half of this month. Sigh. I feel crappy.
I will just clean an not think about it. Chances are it all in my head. Right?

oops...

been a minute again...sorry ..... I am fine... been purging the house... went to Michigan for the fourth. Had a blast. Will post pictures soon.

am back...

sorry been gone so very long... the inter webs was gone for over a year..... an then we had a flood he were i live...so we were evacuated for almost a month... in that month i had another tiny person. Seamus was born on May 10 , 2011. He was 7lbs, 6 oz, an was 21 1/2 ins long. Since I now have the inter webs again updates are now now possible.

almost time...

i hope... I feel like an elephant

ugh...

I feel huge.... can I be done now?

:P

Had a drs appt today...everything is great. :) hugs to all.

yawn.

Okay next month we will be getting internets at the house an it shouldn't be so long between posts. :P It's a boy! HUGS to all! Hope you had a great holiday season!

hello world..

guess what?

13WK 6DAYS

yawn.

still no internets... grrr

boo

I am still here.... just have no internets...

hello

still breathing!

......

I am taking a break from the internet for a while.... not sure how long yet.


my Grandma Anne died yesterday....
the toughest lady I have ever known.

everything...

is looking fabulous! I may be able to get a job where I don't have to change a thing about myself which would be great.... an I would be oh so happy. An I enjoy the enviroment. Then I can move my Shirley an Mena down here soon ... since i have the down payment for the house/ apartment right now...yeah! :P

only...

four more days until Pat gets here...oh lord....I am really leaving. I am really getting out of here. An I am really starting over. This time all by myself. If I find someone ...next time they will have to work with what I have. An deal with MY issues. ALL OF THEM. Whither they want to or not. If they love me they will....if they don't , they wont. That's how it works. Sigh. I just don't know how ; or why no one seems to want me, when I know nothing is wrong with me. An I know I am beautiful. Sigh.

I am...

getting so much better at letting stuff roll off my back. I don't know how. But, not as much has seemed to phase me lately. Not even the big stuff. I look for a solution first before I freak. I just don't seem to get that adrenaline rush like I used to. Maybe it's just shock. Or maybe I am a sufferer of that longed after disease "Ijustdon'tgiveafuckanymore". I think that could be it.
The more I think about it. Yup. I have the bills figured out. My kids will be taken care of. As long as I can find a job I will be kosher, an will be able to get out of my parents house in less than 3 months. I won't ever have to talk to John again. Child support is coming in the way it is supposed to. The bill split will be coming in the way it's supposed to. M an JS will be paying me soon. So money while somewhat important will be taken care of.
Hoping that a volunteer will step forward for my heart soon. But, doubtful, very flipping doubtful. At least I can take a deep breath an step living a little better now that the main stress is gone. And feel beautiful again. Because I am. I AM.

Yeah!

Well today was my parents 42nd wedding anniversary! I am so happy for them! They STILL love each other. I can only hope that I can find that some day. I will just stop looking :P. AN to all my HAPPILY married friends...I HOPE THIS FOR YOU!!!

sigh

been staying as far from the house as I can get..... an not spend money. I hate it when he's around. Right now he's not an it makes me feel much better. But, the fact that I can't stay in my home because he's a jerk. It drives me nuts.....that I have to take my kids away from here so they don't have to take the stress of being around him.

sigh

back to working on myself physically. Training makes me feel good.

wooohoooo

Went out wit friends an had sushi for the first time in 6 months. Feel great. Got 2 boxes done today so far...dishes....laundry as begun! Kadis clothes are all in my room cuz I don't want anymore cut up. Hoping to go over to said friends for a little while an chill. Squee! Taking some yarn with me so I can finish some stuff BEFORE I go. So tired tough..... probably because I have been going 300 miles an hour for two days.....

also got some bills paid....turned in a BUNCH of stuff. Like insight junk an direct tv crap..... so thats all done...... yippie! Hopefully will have the direct tv paid off by next month....the insight definitely will be....

An I am feeling more myself....my air isn't black anymore....it's pink an blue again...feel much better....now it just needs to grow! lol

man

ok this is the list from yesterday....

do one load of laundry somewhere.
clean the floor in the dining room.
do more dishes.
finish the scarf.
an pack two more boxes.
.....

I got the floor done
dishes
an one box....

thats close right?

......

and to add a little more crap to the pot I have to smack the "H" to get it to work!!!!
GRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!

sigh

sorting out crap... Almost done. Cleaning house...not nearly done. Stressed out to the point where I barf EVERY time he comes over. I don't yell...an I try to stay calm. He doesn't seem to care about it...or he tells our friends he care, an he does it anyway. 37 lbs so far in less than 3 weeks, it's not healthy. I know it's not, but there is nothing I can do about it.

Gonna to start listing what I do every day......so I don't think I am not doing enough.

So far it's 9:45 an I have......
made my bed.
fixed my sink, it drains again.
copied 25 more cds.
fed Kadi.
spoke to Anna about the trip.

-----

an today I must,
do one load of laundry somewhere.
clean the floor in the dining room.
do more dishes.
finish the scarf.
an pack two more boxes.



an if he comes over send him out on his ear....be the bitch I KNOW I can be. lol

is it....

really necessary to rub it in my face that you don't need me like you said you did? You have blocked me on everything an lied to my face about it. You are still telling lies to me, an everyone else. Why... it isnt necessary....I dont give a crap what you are doing anymore. Remember..honesty. Crap man. Have fun....I guess.

yay!

I cant put my 11's back on WOOT!

Coming around....

acceptance is a wonderful thing. It makes you heal. An I understand now, I trust to much to other people. To get my heart you need to earn it. My girls are the most important thing to me. The next man that comes in my life will understand that they are here. They don't go away...an if they can't understand that fact...they can keep going. An NOT look back. I am not gonna do this again. It is now about me an them. If anyone wants to come along, they better hang on for the ride.

again....

here I go the healing process begins once more. As I pack the house up an throw away the small life he an I shared. He doesn't want any reminders, an I don't think I can deal with them. I had trouble driving by where we were married at last night. An as it all falls back to were it goes.....I may still my heart away quickly an with great vigor. But, my hand is another matter entirely.

ok...

the car is now spotless on the inside. Hoping to get more sorting done today. Maybe go to the good will tomorrow. Been unable to do laundry, cause the girl I sold the washer an dryer to doesn't get up until like 10 AM. An I don't like doing laundry all night long thank you... Must also go through the craft closet....decide which projects are worth it....an which are gonna get scrapped. An then give away all my extra yarn to my friend....sigh.

Oh mi Goodness!

375 books to library...6 trash bags FULL of clothes to the goodwill.... 3 rugs gone....4 shelves....a desk, an 2 dressers...the little tv upstairs....an his crap is everywhere...I am just kinda stacking it, don't know what else to do... Oh yeah an two huge trash cans full an I need more room! Thank goodness that trash day is tomorrow!

all this stuff all over again ...

I have to sort crap out all over again. An it looks like I am gonna have to be a bitch for my kids sake. I can't stand this. I apparently didn't know him at all. He went an bought a brand new truck with money no one had! WTF! I am having small issues right now. I have no clue what is going on anymore. An I don't think I want to know. I am at the point where if he wants to toss all of the life we were creating out the window that's fine. But an explanation , besides I just don't wanna be married anymore would be frigging nice. Oh an he needs to come an sort out his stuff....

lol

Gotta love stress! Down 28lbs in 3 days!!

well umm..yeah...

don't ask what happened cus I don't know...John is leaving me....

sigh

what do you want me to do? seriously...

Just knowing...

That I have friends...buried in yarn, an clothes....that are also sipping coffee right now helps alot.... miss you...

ugh........

just one of those days...owowow...

SQUEE!

We had a great family day. A nice lunch with all of us. An I found out that he got us a babysitter for tonight an we are going out to dinner ALONE!!! Blissfully alone! :P

yea for tax refunds!

paying bills! Yeah!

lotsa...

laundry. Dishes. An unpacking. We will be going on a mini vacation .....hopefully it will smooth things out. An we will feel better.

................

My whole body hurts. I just need a break....John gets home early today. I will take a nap then. There is 7 inches of snow on the ground. It doesn't seem to be stopping. Working on afghans an scarves right now. Should have Kadi's 2nd dress done soon. Yeah!

Settleing in...

all over again...... unpacking boxes.....

An today...

I watched lots an lots of movies. Did lots an lots of laundry, lots an lots of dishes. An put 5 inches on Johns scarf. THEN helped Anna with a project. Yippie for me! My stomach is feeling better now. Finally.

OW!

owowowowow!

here's ...

to hoping. I am not allowed to go into detail.. Just send vibes/ pray what ever you do.... for the girls... an for the police/ CID ok. Thanks guys. hugs.

tears....

an sadness...

as we put things back together....

everything fell apart there for a little bit. But, we have all the pieces already. So now the girls can begin to heal. The fact that they have to upsets me the most.

An here we go....

suffice it to say... hard times are a'coming. No it isn't finacial. I just ask for good vibes/ prayers/ thoughts what ever it is you believe in for my girls. Dave left a mess. I am nto going into it here. Call me if you have my number. Message me if you want. It is not good......

An THIS move...

is almost over.....
we are once again moving....
after that 3 week long vacation over Christmas...*phew*
but we are only moving 46 miles this time. On to post. Hopefully our last move until 2011. We will see.

Am home...

We will be moving on to post soon.
Just got back from LOOONG vacation. Soo tired.

oh the sneezing...

I may sneeze myself to death. No fever. But lots of barf.... uhoh!!

This is awesome...

epic

Reloading....

I am reloading ALL my cd's into itunes...... for those of you who know how MANY cd's I have you know what an undertaking this is. I need coffee. An a good book. I may not be seen for several days.... sigh.

SQUEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

YAY!!!

All the paperwork is done. Now all we have to do is get every thing else settled an then everybody is good. I am sooo happy right now!!!


Just finished a blanket for my sissy!!!

Yay!

NEXT WEEK!!!!

Just enough.....

I have had enough..... Clutter Monster....You're going DOWN my friend....Say your prayers an good byes!!! I am coming for you!!!

Squee!!!

An the paperwork should be done this week YIPPIE!!!

Family day!

Scottish eggs! Cheesy corn bread! An Sweet Potato!

YAY!

I actaully have way more pictures to post...bloggers being a butt head....
we have had an excellent week. A trip to the zoo. John is off his crutches!! Yippie!! A full day of art time an healthy junk food. Sugar free doughnuts an taro root chips!! YUMMM!!! As soon as this thing agrees with me more picture will be here! An just for Heidi! I FIGURED OUT MY KNITTING NEEDLES!!

So...

J's surgery went without a hitch. He's hobbling around the house now. Wanting to do stuff he can't yet. Poor boy.

AND TheSmallest turns 5 tomorrow!!!

One would think...

Admist all this stress ....... it would be impossible to find happiness.... it's not...
an I have......

Thankyou....

Got the idea from Heidi :P

TheSmallest-4 -loves to test my patience. Sharp as a tack. Wants to know how everything works. Has gone to preschool already...an is going AGAIN. Grrr argghhh......Loves colors an words...reads some already an wants to read more. Will steal all your grapes an beans. Very teeny.

TheTallest-8- Began 2nd grade this years. Loves numbers an art. Hates to read, to the point of hiding her vocabulary homework every monday under the fridge. Loves rices cakes an tomatoes. Wishes she could keep a horse in her closet. An doesn't listen worth a darn. Lol. And if she doesnt stop growing soon we may have issuses.

OHMIGODZ!

I am so happy right now..I cant stand it!

All Done!

Completely an totally! An I am so relieved! The stress seems to have just lifted from me! *phew* I have everything here that I could remember. An I am so happy right now I could explode.

Some things...

Just are not worth retrieving..... but you have too...

OHMIGODS!!!

SHE'S 8!!!

If...

I had waited...you would've still gone. So what would've been the point? I am happy now. An the only reason you care is because you can no longer make me sad.

JUMP!

Jumping through hoops to get stuff done! How fun...

wow!!

everything seems to be falling into place...:P yippie!

I am here...

watching other people move on hurts more than I thought..... well I guess it is my turn.

Off we go...

down the road....

As the house turns...

Upside down! Ohmigod! There is so much stuff in here...an to do it alone.....

oh man...

just one of those years apparently. Nothing seems to work until everything else is screwed up. So since I've hit bottom, it's all starting to come together. Finally. Hoping everything works out correctly for once. An the full healing can begin.

wow...

could someone tell me when the Earth began to fall out from under me......

Ack!

To every one I had on my phone! Please Txt me with your name...I had to change carriers...an the old phone ATE my numbers! *my number is still the same!*

Hello all....

Sorry it's been so long...been busy an all....
sorting, an cleaning. Painting , an running around. just being me....

I guess

sometimes it doesn't pay to try. I give in. I would rather be happy.

I am here....

Been super busy!! Painting! New glasses ! Super puppy!!

.....

still breathing.....barely.....
sigh

sigh

all undone...

still here...

just not all here....

Have you

ever felt like your chest was gonna implode?

OMG

I am ok. I think. I want them gone. I need my OWN HOME BACK! But I can deal for a little bit longer I think. *sigh*

Soooo

Gonna make family mad at me soon *or part of it anyways*
An I don't know if I do much more housework that I didn't create...sigh..
It could be worse....

Dude!

hiding from my sis an bro in law at the coffee shop on their day off so they will watch their own kid. Wow.....I cant even stay at my own house...........

Wow

Ahcoo...

Been super busy cleaning...getting little people ready for Sahmain/Halloween...... An worrying over how to break the news to my sis that we will not all FIT when she has the 2nd baby. An I am not watching them both. I can't handle that. Espeacially since doesn't realize she's taking advantage of me ......I watch the baby almost everyday for ten to twelve hours...for free. An the one time I ask the to watch the girls *while they are asleep* they back out.
Not very happy. Feeling trapped inside my own home since I CAN"T go anywhere. They're sucking money out of me.
An these are things I have told them......they are not listening..... I am a maid an a nanny. Who seems to be here just to make their lives easier.

41 weeks til te end of the first year.......

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh

I don't care if you live with me. It isn't ok for you to tell me how raise my children. I am not telling you how to raise yours, even though I am doing it for you.
No it isn't ok that I am watching the kids, cleaning everything, and paying for everything. This pisses me off.
An no it isn't ok that, I am the only one not allowed to have negative feelings. That I have to be the one to smile all the time. An be f*ing happy about everything. Well excuse me. I f*ing am not.
I happen to think the choices you both made are stupid. Having ANOTHER baby right is NOT a good idea. You cant afford the one you have. An NO you can not live with me for two years while you find your feet. Your f*ing sucking me dry!!!

Hey

if you can tell me who said this I will give you a cyber cookie!!!


"Music was my refuge.
I could crawl into the spaces,
between the notes and curl,
my back to loneliness."

Sorry been gone so long...

had my ten year HS reunion.....this is me at 2 am..
got all my stuff...an am trying to clean my house.
an I am missing TheDave....

Over an over.....

It's been one of those weeks you know. I have no idea whats going on, or how I feel. Just that I am drained. Hope everybody is ok.

We got the rents moved. My stuff gets here Friday. Preparing the house for that. It kinda blows...

My sister an her boy toy *my husbands brother* I know, I know can't get much more redneck huh. Are staying here. I watch the baby...it gets tedious an bitchy so you really don't want me to get into right now. Oh well.

write later......sigh.

Have you ever ...

just wanted to leave the kids with someone for a week....and not tell ANYONE where you were going?

I feel like that right now......

Oh Happy Mabon.......

sigh

oh yeahhh...

I guess I forgot to tell everyone that Dave is gone once more to the sandy place. Over to Iraq he went.
He will be back in 49 weeks an coutning.....

done!

we got the house. The bills are all changed over. Now we just gotta get my parents settled so I can get my stuff moved in. An everything will be COMPETELY done! LOL!

Hey!

Buying mom an Dad's house.
Hope everybody is doing well! sorry no pictures yet. We are still getting everything settled in! HUGHUG!